been away before, never this lonely before

ooc; @Ira but tagging @Hieronymous for inclusion/knowledge/co-leadership
join threads are tedious so marking private until done. will be open to more after!

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He'd left long ago, by his own decision to depart from Duskguard before anything truly kept him around. The pack had been accommodating and kind to him, but he had not seen a real future there. Perhaps it hadn't been right to leave without saying goodbye, but he also hadn't made much impact or formed deep connections with any of them. Wolves left packs all the time. Sometimes with words or not. He was not special in that regard. It had been the right choice for him and nobody could tell him otherwise.

It had been a few months alone, but he still didn't expect to be back here. It hadn't been his intention to come back. Somehow he got twisted around and found himself in semi-familiar territory. The mountains were the same as anywhere else, but the chilly region was gone. He wasn't even sure where the coast was. True, he hadn't been here during winter. He was used to the lack of snow, but this confused him. Fate's Summit was at least known to Torben. He often saw it below the northern lands, standing out like a beacon. He couldn't say the same for anything else.

With no plan and no knowledge that Duskguard had long fallen, he sought the border of Vanderfell. He wasn't even sure if he knew the name of this pack, or if it was the same one he heard about months ago... He just knew someone lived here. Perhaps they'd be able to give him some direction. Duskguard was off the table. He left it, and he was not begging to get back in. But if he knew where it was, he could avoid it and get his bearings at the same time. So he stopped before the border, not even touching it, and let out a deep howl. It was dark...

He should not hope someone was around at this hour. But he had little choice. Summer grew dark too late, and he was stuck until the moon was up. Else he'd risk his health, traveling during the sun's reign. If someone did not greet him, he'd come back a bit earlier the next night. This was his best chance at survival. He just didn't want to be accused of suspicious behavior. He did call for someone, loudly announcing his presence. But it was not a demand.

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All had settled to be quiet in the land, though the same could hardly be said for Vanderfell. A family in spirit now entirely by name as those the roan queen had not bore came and went. The timing couldn't have been worse, though her eldest were old enough to be more than capable where they lacked paws with experience. Still, even her first litter was still learning, and she had become tied to the needs of her youngest. Their fears had been confirmed in mere days after the birth, which meant watching every breath @Katja took to ensure it would not be her last. Such would be her and Hiero's lives until the girl was old enough to learn to automate her own bodily functions and needs. To say she was tired was an understatement.

It was Ira's watch when the call came, and though she wished to send Hieronymous in her place, the draw to stretch her legs was beyond tempting. In the end, she rose Hiero to take her watch while she inevitably took to the needs of their late night guest. The summer night breeze was refreshing as the queen's steps drew near, and in no time she would spot the pale man against the dark of rock. “Most bring word with the light of day.” Her golden stare danced his figure, judging behind the stone worn face she had grown so accustomed to. Scars marked his body, something she would always respect; and they were worn over well-built muscle, suggesting more might lay in the stories he carried than just the word survivor. “Though given you called at all, I assume there is more to you than a man who slinks in shadows.”

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He did not know her.

Not by name or face, but if someone in the past said queen in regards to this pack... He was certain he heard someone in passing call the alpha of this location a queen. Not much he could do about his terrible memory, nor the lack of information about this pack. Duskguard had been close to Elysium, and that was the extent of Torben's knowledge regarding alliances. Elysium had been near the Summit too, though he was unaware they had vanished. Still, a queen's title suited this woman at first glance alone. She was composed and regal, though he couldn't take any coldness personally. He was near her land, and she didn't know of him or his intentions.

Frankly, she was already using her patience if he had to guess.

Her eyes went to inspect him instead of her teeth. He took the time to casually judge her too, but when her gaze even slightly looked at his face - his eyes dropped to the ground. Torben always thought it was strange to get aggressive over it. He'd rather trust someone who could look at him, rank and blood aside. He didn't blame alphas for turning folks away, but wouldn't it be easier to judge if someone was sneaky if they did that... Rather than assume they were disrespectful? "Aye, yer right, ma'am" She seemed thoughtful but had the right to be suspicious of him "No self-respectin' man slinks about in the dark" He agreed with that too "I'm sorry 'bout approaching yer land at this hour."

His neck fur bristled with embarrassment, the pinks of his cheeks visible. A curse of this affliction. Was always easy to gauge his emotions. "My name is Torben," He proceeded after what he hoped was an honest apology, pausing to let it sink in. That he wasn't rushing none, or leaving anything out that she had a right to know "I lived here last year, before winter set in" He raised a hefty paw to reveal his pinkish pads "I ain't good during the sun. It makes me lightheaded. Can even burn me" He hadn't met any albino wolves during his last stay here either. Was it so rare? "I'm forced to wander 'round at night. Else I'd come here at a reasonable hour, in the day." Where everyone could see each other.

But that wasn't why he was here, more of when. "I left with no intention to come back," He admitted "I don't rightly know why I found myself here again" His face scrunched into a puzzled expression "But m' all turned around. Lots of things changed. I... don't even know if anywhere I knew or the people I knew are here anymore" Which was sad, but he had a brief impression with most. He only hoped they were safe and wouldn't push for more "I remember the Summit, saw it from up north, and even came close a few times. Thought if I came here, it'd help me collect me bearings. But it ain't helpin' much" He sighed "Is yer pack the same one I heard about months ago?"

It could be a new one, who saw value in this location, for all he knew. "I'm sorry if so, ma'am. No one told me the name, only told me a pack lived here. I cannae even claim I met anyone who lived here. Forgive me ignorance..." Torben lowered his head even more, awkwardly bowing. Showing submission or weakness, or what else was important. It felt odd. He hadn't bowed to someone in charge for months. Even Duskguard hadn't demanded it much, so he wasn't used to the display. Still, he made an effort to be respectful. Any lacking was not intentional on his part. "I ain't good as a vagabond, but the pack what took me in months ago wasn't a good fit. I" He paused again, frowning. Wondering if he was somehow rude for admitting it.

He hadn't even admitted it last time. Not vocally. "I felt like an outcast. It felt wrong to be there. Everyone was friendly and familiar, kind enough but... No one associated with me beyond needin' help or putting curiosity to rest. Once everyone knew I was part of the pack, no one really sought me out. It was lonely" And he had left, unwilling to risk venturing out beyond Duskguard for a chat or friendship. No point if he had to go back "so I left. I ain't restless. I ain't bored easily. All I'd want is a fair shake. I don't demand validation from anyone, but at least acknowledge m' contributing. Don't need power over anyone else for that." Emotion welled in his voice, almost annoyed with his time stewing on the matter. He should have processed this before.

"Ah. Uh. Sorry, it ain't yer job to listen to some stranger at yer border rambling" He added quietly "Felt it was polite to be upfront, is all" Most wolves "failed" to disclose their other pack history. His cheeks turned red now, and he cleared his throat "Ye have the right to know about any group a visitor associated with. Fer safety, course" Politics and alliances... Things beyond him "I was a member of Duskguard. Rather not crawl back there" If he could help it "If that's upsettin' or yer strained with them, I didn't know. Yer free to chase me away. I won't fight. I just want to know... What happened here? What changed" Who can I trust? "And if I can avoid Duskguard, all the better. I'll leave you be, honest. I just want some understandin' of what happened."

He was not going to push his luck and ask for acceptance. Torben didn't know anything about this pack, anyway. She may think he was rushing into things, and was probably unreliable by his admission he left Duskguard. But all he wanted was to find a place to reside, where he could work and contribute. If this pack wasn't it, he'd go elsewhere. But he stared at the ground between them, refusing to move an inch even if his heart hammered in his chest. Nerves, anxiety... Confusion and fear.

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Off the bat, the man seemed almost nervous for his approach despite him being the one who made the call. At the very least, he remained respectful and apologized outright for the hour. Ira only tilted her head with curiosity as he explained his affliction. Of course, she had met white wolves. @Reiko's family was primarily white until Quicksilver entered the picture, but she had never heard of one burning to the point of night isolation. “I don't suppose this complication has a name or tie?”

So long as it did not spread... Hiero had his own issues, but as they found, that risk was something they decided on each year... One she was beginning to question the risks of more and more.

Torben continued and with no signs of stopping his ramble, she sat herself and waited, listening patiently. It wasn't until he spoke of her claim and potential word that she grew cautious. “That depends. What have you heard?” Vanderfell had more enemies than allies, or so she believed. Those she had decided to no longer concern herself may not actually be gone like she originally thought... Ira knew well what they were capable of together. She had seen it in the trial where they would not even stand by the side of those they sought justice for. Fortunately, whatever he heard appeared to not be much. She could only trust his words, but it would not lower her walls.

If Elysium, Duskguard, and Northfall wished to be a pain, they could do so wherever they ended up. So long as it was not near her land, she cared little for what they did. There was a part that sympathized with him. She had seen many wolves join her ranks simply to be somewhere, but no two packs were the same. What was home for one would be strange to another, and many younger wolves seemed to make the mistake of believing any pack would be a good fit.

“I see. Well, I can not say we would be your perfect fit, but at the very least we treat those who work hard like our own. I assume you have skills to offer if you are not one to laze about or grow bored?” Unfortunately, no matter what skills he claimed to have, there was no stopping the frown that settled on her lips at the name Duskguard. He claimed he had no wish to crawl back to them and seemed genuine on that front, but who was to say he was not a good liar and a spy? He had every reason to be convincing, coming at the most inopportune and suspicious time. He had every way to seem genuine by pointing out the obvious and denying it.

The roan queen remained silent as she assessed her options. To her knowledge, if Duskguard was still around, it was no longer as close as they used to be, or at least not in the same direction. If this man was a spy, it would take time for his word to travel. Time she would notice him absent for. Plus his pelt no longer held their scent, so at the very least he had already been absent from their ranks for some time. Perhaps he was actually genuine. Perhaps his time spent was before the events of the trial...

“I will not lie, it brings no joy to hear that name on these grounds. Their leaders betrayed the trust of my allies, and in such, my own. They also house members who have harassed and threatened the children and land they stand on. Forgive me as I do not place my trust so easily... I can be reasonable, however, so long as your words are true. If you are not daunted then I am willing to see how trustworthy you may be.”

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"My tribe called it sun sickness," He breathed, still looking at the ground. Anywhere but her face. Anywhere away from false pity, as any talk was always met with questions and empty words regarding his affliction. Every healer made sympathetic noises, but Torben knew anything they tried wouldn't work long-term. Their heart may be in the right place, but it was cruel to get his hopes up... "When I went travelin', many called it albinism. It ain't contagious. I can't pass it along. It's..." He searched for the right words to express it "I was born with it. My brothers and sisters didn't have it, nor me parents. It's random, but it stays with you from birth. There is no cure. Not many in me tribe had it either. Those that did were old or self-outcasts, y'see." It had been very trial and error, sparsely known. Those who were afflicted often secluded themselves.

They took more to the moon, so they had an understanding of the mystical arts. Not him. He always wanted to work and help, even in the sun. But he had been struck down more than once when he tried, so he did what he could to be part of the community. Even if it hurt his pride to be limited to the dark, where no one could acknowledge him. It was lonely. The woman continued, but she only spoke to ask direct questions or remark on something. None of it seemed to be biased or opinionated, even when she later mentioned Duskguard. She withheld the name of her pack, so Torben could not claim gossip directed at them... But he knew somewhat they had been mentioned. In passing. He sighed softly, irritated he could not give her a more valuable answer.

But he had nothing to hide and would continue to answer her honestly.

"Not much, if anything" He replied "Just that a woman claimed land near where I know Elysium is supposed t' be" He wasn't even sure if this woman was the same one mentioned "think they called her queen instead of alpha, or leader. Didn't get even a description of her, didn't know if she had a mate or kids." But now that he spoke of kids, he realized too late this woman smelt of milk. Torben wasn't very experienced being around pregnant or nursing mothers. Any pups he saw had been weaned, and any mother lost her milk scent. Even among his tribe, it was rare for him to interact with them. Most pups and mothers went to bed early. He felt unwelcomed guilt for pulling this woman away from her family, though he said nothing. Acknowledging puppies in a pack always raised alarms. There existed more folks than he liked who'd use that for dark deeds.

He faltered a bit when she got to the point, coming to the conclusion on her own he was looking for a pack. Torben felt himself try to reply promptly, but stutter a few times. He must look like a fool, but he was shocked she'd even consider him - much less reach out. It made him confused when she next admitted to knowing Duskguard, followed by a request to prove himself. She claimed to be reasonable, though he felt unworthy of even that. He wasn't sure if he was willing to extend that courtesy to anyone who betrayed his trust. But he had to say something, anything. "It doesn't surprise me much, ma'am" If he was being honest anyway... "about Duskguard's breach of yer trust." Neutrally, not all packs would get along. Not all packs were friends. He would be surprised to truly cross a pack that was neutral. If anything, it was upsetting to hear Duskguard was capable.

But no, he was not surprised.

"I don't blame yer suspicions. It's right of you; be surprised if ye welcomed me in so easily, honest" Something he was sure any leader rarely heard - except by those who followed them "I... I admit, I didn't expect ye to even offer me a place" He had only come here for information "for what it's worth, I'm sorry" He tried to pronounce that clearly despite his thick accent. His ears pinned against his fluffy head "It won't ever make up for anything, but I am ashamed t' have belonged to Duskguard" Even briefly "Nothin' I say will fix anything for you and yours" He only hoped nobody had been killed in the process... On either side, honestly "But to answer yer earlier question, I don't mind doin' anything that needs done. Though I'm probably useful fer defense - patrols and the like. I can hunt too, but I ain't so good at stalkin'." He stuck out like a sore thumb.

No, he'd rather bring down the prey head-on. And if he had to protect borders, he was good at stopping and holding anyone who trespassed. He was a big guy, and he could claim without humor if he sat on a smaller wolf they'd be stuck. Possibly forever, if he was comfortable enough. "If ye have use of me still, I'll prove myself. Though..." He hesitated, frowning "I just ask two things, ma'am" But they weren't demands "I'd like to know this pack's name, and I'd like if you didn't ask me to do anything that makes me come on yer land" He was more firmly emotional about the last part "If it's an extended job, I don't mind sleeping outside the border. I won't touch yer food, even drink yer water... I'd feel uncomfortable. If ye insist, I won't argue but I won't feel great about it." And he may be distracted, and fail anything she asked. 

Which didn't work out for either of them.

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Sun sickness, or albinism, apparently. The second was more familiar than the first, though she never knew some of the struggles it came with. Fortunately, he said all she would need. It was not contagious meaning her children were not in harms path with this man around. At least, not from his condition. “In that regard, I sympathize. My husband has a condition of his own, though he manages it just fine. It is a hand I can not say all would bear well, but like any other, those with dedication find a way.” If this man was the same then surely he was capable. There is no correct way to live, only what works best to each.

It was surprising to hear that there was little offered to him in regard to her pack, but then again, it was not as if Elysium or Duskguard knew her well nor had she offered Vanderfell's name to spark his memory. Most of the drama that had floated to her ear was also in relation to another pack or her allies versus her own. “Aye, she is their High Queen with a family of her own.” It felt disingenuous to refer to herself indirectly, but this was still a stranger.

Fortunately, he proved again that his words may carry true meaning, going as far as to apologize on terms he seemed unaware of and shed the name from his past. “It was not you who wronged those I trust. Your apology is wasted here, but the concern is appreciated. I would not expect one to join a pack so blind. I will share Vanderfell's ways with you if that is what you so desire, but your lessons will come with time. For now, I shall only confirm that this is the pack you have heard of, and I, its Queen.” She'd muse the rest of his terms before swiftly deciding they were something she could agree with.

“Very well. You may reside in Ullarcraig Run. It is the woods that line Fate's base and where my own hunt. I shall permit you to hunt under Vanderfell's name, so long as you contribute to a new cache where our borders meet the Run. This will show your dedication to feeding those before you. Ensure no traveler takes from my broods mouths, and I will share more of our ways to see if you too shall fit.”

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quick wrap up w/ agreement from fluffy man! feel free to give him colors now ofc 
thank u for the thread <33 hope to have more in time

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It was almost comforting to know others had similar issues. The woman's own mate had something, though she didn't elaborate. He didn't blame her for that. Why would you announce a packmate's vulnerability to a stranger? Didn't matter if it was her mate or not. Somehow, he believed she wouldn't ever let that slip in regards to anyone who she trusted either. Torben did not mind if she told anyone, because it was very obvious from just glancing at him. He was not sickly, but he moved and acted cautiously. Something had to hinder him.

So he said nothing, giving an awkward nod from his position. More so nodding at the ground. He would have liked to meet this woman's mate, but expressing that even in passing felt too familiar. He already confessed he had been part of a pack that wasn't friendly with this one. Why would anyone want to meet him, even if he shed the rank Duskguard had given him so long ago? In time, Torben would seek out others that were afflicted. This was not the time. Her admission at being their leader almost caused him to look up. Almost. Somehow he wasn't surprised. If she weren't the queen, she was surely second-in-command.

"Forgive me ignorance, yer majesty" He repeated, feeling it was much too soon to tack on my queen. She was not his queen, as long as he wore the colors of a vagabond. If it was even possible, Torben's pink nose touched the ground "wasted or not, I've doubts they would ever speak the words themselves" Those in the wrong were defiant, ignorant... Proud. Too proud to admit defeat "I feel obligated, throwin' me lot in with them upon a time." But the queen was not flattered, and he wasn't looking to gain points with her. His apology was empty in the sense he had never done wrong. It was wasted because she deserved to hear it from other lips. He did feel great shame, and a bit of annoyance. Why should he be the one to do it?

The queen wasted none of his time, and he hoped he had done the same for her. Torben felt being as upfront as possible, long-winded as he had been, had helped him in the long run. She did not seem as cautious now, even let him hunt on their secondary land, but he didn't expect to be embraced quickly. He rose from his position. "I agree with me task," He said formally. He tried not to look at her directly still, but still looked in such a way he was speaking to her. He focused on a tree speck to her side. Never made eye contact "I'll take me leave now, find shelter and hunt when t' moon is up. Expect a haul by morning, my queen." And this time he said it, for she had informally accepted him. It wasn't a sure thing, as their main land was locked to him.

But he hoped to gain that as a reward for his services. Torben kneaded the earth in front of him, feeling it under his paws. Taking in the texture, and introducing himself to where he knew the border was. He cast it one glance, so different than Duskguard's border. The north had been cold and brittle. Vanderfell's earth was forgiving. Still cold, but more like hardy. It knew its worth. It wasn't trying to freeze people out, but borders needed to be respected. "If someone tries to take anything, I'll deal with em until help arrives." He could hold out until his call reached the others. He gave her a deep nod, more like a short bow, before turning to the Run. With her directions in mind, he left. Fully intending to be settled before the sun hindered again.

-exit-

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She mused his apology once more before giving, if only an inch, “Aye, I have no doubt you may be correct.” Even if they wished to apologize, Ira supposed it mattered little now. She did not care for their words, only that they kept to theirs and her, her own. So long as her family was in no danger, then they could do as they sought fit with their own. Torben took to his task quickly, going as far as dismissing himself to take route for the Run. For the both of them, she hoped he was as dedicated and honest as he displayed himself to be.

It would do Vanderfell well to have another set of dutiful paws, even if he was bound to the shade of night. “Good. I shall send eyes to check on you soon.” But for now they both should retire and rest. As always, Ira waited to watch the man retreat, ensuring he did as he was told and went where he belonged before turning tail for her own den to watch over her children before the sun rise again.

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