It's just nerves

{Set after her return from Duskguard, but before the trip to Vendrussel's trial in Elsewhen}

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Her stomach churned.

Although her meeting with the Duskguard clan had been pleasant, and she had finally gotten the opportunity to clear the air with Olive concerning the Tiberius triangle, she had finally received a date and location for the impending trial.

She had no idea how many representatives would show nor from which packs, and somehow that made her more nervous. Valeska was a planner - she liked having knowledge far ahead of time to prepare, to bolster her resolve and have multiple options to pursue in case something went awry.

Dimitri wanted to come - he had practically begged - so she had ultimately relented, but what if something happened? What if they were attacked on the way, or some inexplicable illness suddenly befell him? He was still so young.

The High Priestess busied herself in the only way she knew how.

She had requested Urzula and Tallulah both to accompany her once more, being hardy and trustworthy women she had grown fond of over time, and had already set aside a small cache of herbs to bring along the journey. This trip would be longer than the hike to Frostfang Vale, given her unfamiliarity with the location and that it was held up high in the mountains - vertical ascents always took more time.

Busy paws banished tumultuous thoughts, and the little wolf was a whirlwind of activity ensuring that the remaining members of Elysium would be adequately prepared for her absence.

Gods only knew how long she would be gone.

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Nikolai wouldn't admit to feeling at home in the territory, though he could always say that may change, but he was adjusting well enough to the day-in and day-out that occurred around him. He expected things were less... hectic when it seemed half the pack, including Tallulah, wasn't planning on leaving some expedition toward the tundra. It left a business in the air that was hard to shake but not entirely impossible to ignore. Maybe when they returned things would fall easier.

There was a familiarity in the air though, at least among him and Valeska and Harper, that brought some ease that he was possibly more accepted than he felt was allowed quite yet.

While returning from the border, his sights more or less set on finding Tallulah, the wolfdog took stock of a pale frame he noticed a little sooner than he had last time. Quirking an ear, he approached, a half-smile on his maw, "Valeska," he said. "Ya' sure look busy, need a paw?"

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Valeska jumped at the sound of his voice, turning sheepishly as the fur settled back along her spine. She had been so preoccupied, the High Priestess hadn't even noticed the great frame of their newest member approaching nearby - perhaps she should slow down.

“Oh, hello, Nik,” she greeted, heart still pounding. “I must look a frightful mess - just trying to ensure all will be left well in my absence.”

Smiling nervously, she prodded at the small pile of herbs she had collected thus far, wondering how much good they would do should one of their party fall from a sheer rock face or become mauled by a bear. There were so many variables, but it was impossible to brace against them all.

Nikolai, at least, seemed to be settling in somewhat. He still appeared a bit unsure of himself within their ranks, a hint of unease lurking behind his gentle, well-meaning eyes, but given her (very limited) knowledge of his history, she supposed this was his first time having the pack experience in general - not that this was a particularly traditional wolf pack.

“I should be most grateful - if you look there, I was attempting to move a deer carcass to the cache, but it was so heavy I could not do it alone,” she said, motioning with her head toward a nearby hill. “Once that has been brought over, I think everything should be in order.”

Valeska trotted ahead of the man, intending him to follow her toward the deer in question.

“Tell me - I do not know much about you, now that I think about it.”

She moved to the first and easiest question in her repertoire.

“Do you have religion? Or is it not something you possessed in your past life?”

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"Didn't mean ta' startle ya'," he reassured, lowering his head as though this would ease what nerves he unsettled in the wolf. An ear flicked. "Naw, not a mess, ma'am—'m sure all'll be good." Nikolai observed the herbs she had gathered, humming in response and turning quiet once she had a request of him as he followed after her, scenting the air with a smack of his jaws. As they neared the carcass, he took point and moved ahead of Valeska, it wasn't the biggest creature—young, he presumed—and with a shake of his body, he took the deer's neck into his jaws in order to haul it toward the designated site once she joined him. But it was mid-pull that Valeska spoke, urging his head to lift then quirk, earning his whole focus again.

"I dunno if there's much ta' know 'bout me," he admitted, not in some self-loathing manner, neither, that much was in his tone, more as it was a simple belief Nikolai seemed to harbor. Back on the ranch, it was more bout focusing on the animals than it was on developing one's... self. It was what brought confusion to him, dark brows furrowing. Religion? He offered a smile and with it a light chuckle. "I ain't sure I know what that is, ma'am, nobody talked 'bout that sorta thing back home it was... work, ya' know? Ya' worked, s'all." He flicked his tail, a slight wag. "Why? Is... is religion somethin' y'all do 'ere?"

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Nikolai lifted the carcass with ease, showing his impressive strength as he took hold and prepared to jaunt down the slope back to their collective cache, when he stopped suddenly and looked at her with a curious expression. He didn't seem particularly keen to talk about himself, whether finding his own interests either unworthy or uninteresting she could not tell, but she remained inquisitive and let him speak what few words he did offer.

He seemed amused by the idea of religion - in her past life, she might have been offended, but as the years passed she had grown softer and more open-minded in her approach to others. The world was vast, and so was its inhabitants; the gods went by many names, and some might not have heard of any of them.

At any rate, she liked Nikolai. He was a good sort.

“Religion is not a requirement,” she said with a laugh, waving her paw dismissively. “I once was very much in firm belief that the Five were confined to their definitions according to my father, but I have grown since, and find that many describe them much as I do - just with different titles.”

Valeska padded up beside him, head tilted curiously, wishing to know more of his thoughts on the matter.

“So what do you believe?” she asked, her tone light and unassuming. The little wolf was not interrogating him - but her mind was ever-searching, ever wondering, and always eager to learn more of those around her. “I have always believed there is a life beyond death - that there is something else of us, something that will remain long after we have gone. To think of the sights, the scents, the tastes and sensations and memories and emotions we experience, how we are as individuals and this great world around us - it is inconceivable that this was all created to vanish.”

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Nikolai quirked his head to the side, a bit perplexed by the mention of five. "That yer religion? The Five? Don't mean no offense, jus' I ain't recallin' ever hearin' such a thing, even with some 'nother title," he said, while uncertain of this religion it was merely stemming from his curiosity, finally giving into letting the carcass settle while they spoke. "What's the purpose of 'em?"

When Valeska neared him, he blinked, eyes following hers while a hum settled in his throat. "Well, I... uhm, I believe in work?" he said, seeming a little lost, like this was some momentous prospect to him and he wasn't quite sure what to make of it. "Back where I come from, folks don't believe in nothin' nowhere like ya' speak of. Nothin'." Nikolai flicked an ear, lacking the words to properly phrase himself when the mere word of religion was new to him. "I was only meant ta' work, s'all all I ever did an' when I wasn't doin' that I made sure others worked. No time for religion." And for a moment, that worried him, surely showing, he wanted to believe something as Valeska did—something with such vigor but he came from Godless roots and perhaps unholy dirt... but this worry fettered when he looked to her, something serious on his features. "I guess I don't believe in nothin'... I reckon I'd like ta' though, somethin' more of us... is that, religion, is that somethin' ya' can teach, Valeska? If... I wanted ta' know of yer religion?"

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She nodded sagely to his inquiry - The Five - and looked only mildly perturbed at his questioning their purpose. It shouldn't have surprised her that much, having met plenty of other non-believers (without any religion at all!) in her travels, but she thought even the least devout among them would be able to understand the purpose of gods.

Their great divine paws painstakingly created the world, the sky, the rivers, and everything that dwelled within those things; and then, their task completed, they rested. Observed.

Judged a little, perhaps.

“Their purpose is to witness - to watch over us,” she said cryptically, an air of mystery surrounding her words. The little wolf gestured vaguely, swooping her paws through the air. “They created us in their image, and granted us free will; now they observe us and see how we are, and whether or not we throw their many gifts away or choose to use them for the greater good.”

She quirked a smile in his direction, knowing he probably found little delight in this knowledge, and would instead much prefer to go back to work - but he had asked, and now he was trapped within the vortex of her exposition.

Nikolai continued haltingly, his words sparse and erratic, dredging up memories from a time long past. She hadn't supposed him a man of any religious roots, so his upbringing shouldn't have been surprising; however, a whole place, an entire sect of creatures who held no belief at all was dumbfounding.

Were the Five confined to only a few worlds, then, and not the universe itself...?

The thought boggled her. No; it couldn't be right.

Valeska snapped back to reality, eyes wide as saucers as she realized what he was asking.

“You wish to know... more?” she asked incredulously. Nikolai had ever right and reason to keep to his own faith - or lack thereof - and she would never try to force him to believe. Faith didn't work like that, anyway. Or at least, it wasn't supposed to.

“It is said that the gods work through us - they do not like idle paws,” she ventured, gauging him with a wary, curious expression. “In some ways, you are already well on your way to spirituality. Hard work is an exercise of the soul as much as it is the body, I find. Discipline - integrity - the like.”

Hope gave way, and she tried not to let the grin encompass her face.

Somebody was actually interested.

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Nikolai wouldn't notice that he struck some nerve with Valeska, instead, he'd dutifully watch her think and wonder if she could sense the tinge of separation he felt in that moment—maybe this was what divided wolves and him, this religion, this belief she so firmly carried; he notably lacked such a thing to rely on that it moved with him through life like a second skin. Maybe it was this that lured him on to question her on it, this desire to be apart of something bigger than even the confines of this pack offered.

"Believin' that... ya' must never feel any bit lonely," he said, sincerity thick in his voice, a bit of yearning too, as though he wished to feel what he believed she had to. "How do ya' know if ya' have one of their gifts? What... do ya' say a gift is?" He felt infantile with the questions, a pup new to the patrol, but little did Nikolai seem to care when Valeska continued on and he waited, patiently drumming up his next line of questioning... that fell apart when she asked this of him.

You wish to know... more?

"I'd like ta'... that okay?" Nikolai, politeness burrowed into his bones, he didn't want her to think he was attempting to intrude on something she held dear. That was the last thing the wolfdog wanted if not more so when he tried to wrap his mind around the significance she spoke of like she witnessed its effects daily, always. Valeska's words brought the slightest bit of perk to his posture, ears twitching, muzzle, too, in some hesitant baring of a hopeful smile. "Ain't that so," he hummed, trying to imagine what this meant to him. "And how would I find this spirituality? More of it?"

[narrow]It took him some time, breaths tight in anticipation, drawing his gaze to hers, "I'd like ta' know whatever ya' can tell me.
[narrow]
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Lonely.

Her face fell a little, then. Lately she had been thinking more often of her family - her own family - and she wasn't sure why; perhaps it was the turning of the season, perhaps it was a chemical imbalance in her brain, maybe even just the mere process of becoming a mother and raising her own brood now, but she felt trapped in her memories. Stifled.

Valeska had originally been one of a litter of four - yet through unfortunate circumstances, now only she and Harper remained.

Their other siblings hadn't survived puphood.

She missed her mother. They had barely enjoyed any time together before she and Harper were violently thrust out from the pack due the misunderstanding of a lifetime, and Valeska was ultimately left home, confused and grieving with only her father and his bitterness to console her.

“I think there is a difference between feeling lonely, and being alone,” she said after a quiet moment. “I have felt lonely, but there is comfort in knowing that the gods are there, watching over me. I am never alone with them - and Houtu knows I am certainly not alone now!” Valeska ended her quip with a light chuckle, trying to pull herself back out of whatever strange mood she'd just put herself in. She wished she could control her thoughts better.

Nikolai inquired further about what a 'gift' constituted, and she was grateful for the shift in subject. “You could have a natural talent for healing, or defending others, or even listening - the gift of sympathy,” she explained. “Everyone has a blessing bestowed by the Five, but it is up to them to find out what it is, and utilize it for goodness.”

She studied him, then, wondering how he felt. Nikolai was cut from a similar cloth to Tallulah, and the High Priestess already had a fondness for the rough-and-tumble cowgirl - he seemed genuine, loyal, and hardworking just as she was. Valeska doubted if there was a nasty bone in his body.

“I'd like ta'... that alright?”

She smiled warmly. This - this was a wolf worthy of the Five and their gentle touch. She could feel it in her soul.

“More than alright,” she replied, a strange emotion bleeding through her words. Nick was one of the first in Elysium (besides Lyubov and her own son) to express any interest in learning more about her faith, and although she held fast to the mantra that it was not a requirement by any means, it was a welcome gesture. “Well, that is a tricky question - finding 'spirituality'. It is something you practice, something you must place your belief in and open your heart to. Amaranth and I, we often ingest ayahuasca roots to help us on our respective journeys. The root helps to open our eyes to visions, even visitations from the gods if they are generous.”

She cocked her head at him playfully, inquisitively.

“Perhaps you would like to partake?”

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The distance between them meant little as he moved to bump her gently with his shoulder, a subtle, wordless reassurance he felt compelled to deliver when her features lowered, something. Whether it brought any comfort, he didn't know, despite the enjoyment he derived from their conversations Nikolai understood they weren't close. Call it the sentiment.

 

It was as though the more she spoke the further his interest developed, the yearning twining around his heart, she told him of a loneliness and how she failed to be alone because of these... Five—the Gods. Nikolai had known loneliness deeply, felt alone in the days he wandered once waking in this new land and he couldn't help but think of the relief he would have found in the world if he'd believed there were others watching his actions. "I would like that I reckon," he whispered, maybe too quietly to hear—maybe something meant only for the Gods other ears would only happen upon. He raised his voice a little, soft, "They all got names?"

When she breached the topic of gifts, his ears twitched some. This made more sense to him, Nikolai knew he was bred for guarding; protecting. "Is it... mhm... what's it—uh—presumptuous to think I might know what I've got given ta me?" he said, furrowing his brows. "Protectin' folks, that's what I've always done, it makes sense ta me. If I'm doin' any sorta good, though, awh, I'd like ta make sure it's good an' all for the pack." This, undeniably, drew from his nature; instinct at play, while not long ago was Nikolai but another rambler, he now called Elysium familiar, which meant undying dedication.

However, it was Valeska's subtle enthusiasm and offer that saw him perk with interest, eyes softened with a thrill, and his tail giving a steady, constant wag. Would that be what he'd need to do? To find what she had? The proposition was... new, the strangest thing he'd eaten was berries but if Valeska—a wolf he looked to and saw as but a pinnacle of belief, devotion to her Gods—and her mate followed this path unwaveringly, participated like this.

"I would," he said, nodding again, his own enthusiasm toward it clear; he wanted to. "Yeah, I reckon I would."

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Even if they weren't very close, still being relatively new acquaintances, the gesture was appreciated. Valeska leaned into the motion with him, pressing briefly against his own shoulder to reassure the man that she was alright - it was only a momentary lapse.

They parted, and it still filled her with disbelief how he actually seemed keen to learn more and more concerning the Five; even her own children (for the most part) were ambivalent about the whole thing, being mostly concerned with pup-related interests and punching each other in the eye. It was refreshing, and the silver wolf felt like she was actually fulfilling a purpose for once.

“They do,” she responded, ears flicking forward. “Houtu, the All-Mother, is the head of the Five - she represents kindness, nurturing, gentleness, and bestowed the sense of taste upon her creation to share in good things. Then there is Sylvanus, god of spring, who has granted us the gift of sight, of vision itself - that we may take joy in his bounty and revel in the new blooms.”

Valeska had her personal favorites, of course, but she felt it unkind to the other gods to voice them aloud - even if they already knew the secret from her own thoughts. She was mortal, after all; she was allowed her little quirks.

“Rhys follows after, who lords over summer and the gift of speech, allowing us to laugh and communicate in harmony, the very foundation of pack life,” she went on to explain, waving a paw to better emphasize certain areas. “Autumn, as we are in now, is governed by Aether, by whom we have been bestowed scent to better hunt prey as they flee into their homes for the coming cold.”

She checked briefly to see if he was still listening, knowing that she had a predisposition to go on a tangent wherever spirituality was involved - some things never changed, and although she had grown to be more open-minded and accepting of other interpretations, she still fucking loved her religion.

“Lastly, the cold bite of winter brings with it Nivia - or perhaps the other way around, depending on your view. She is the goddess of the quiet season, blanketed by snow; she who reigns over and blesses us with hearing, to both appreciate the stillness and also alert us to danger,” she finished, pleased to have such a friendly and attentive audience. “Together they make up the Pentacle, otherwise known as the Five. We celebrate each at the beginning of their seasons, although Houtu is special - as the All-Mother, we worship and praise her upon the eve of the New Year.”

Her dialogue coming to an end, Nikolai interjected a few more questions, namely about himself and what his gifts might be; certainly not presumptuous, for his talents were already quite clear. He was a noble sort, quick to defend others and utilize his strength for the benefit of weaker individuals or those who did not wish to fight.

“I, too, believe that is your gift,” Valeska affirmed, giving a short nod. “The gods are not always subtle; some are bestowed strengths that are plain to see and freely given, as yours. I would not doubt it for an instance.”

Rising to her paws, she gave the wolfdog a fond smile, tail wagging gently behind her. “Let us find something to eat, and then we will get you the ayahuasca. It has been some time since I have embarked on a vision myself, so it shall be good for us both.”

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